Well, I guess the fat lady has sung. My life in Bowling Green draws to a close. Next Sunday I'll be leaving the city I've wandered aimlessly through for the past three years. Got a degree (unbelievable!), so it seems only fitting that life now goes back to the way it was before I had even dared to dream of a life lived on my own. I'm going back to my parents' house. 

Yesterday I was eavesdropping on a bunch of teenagers' conversation. They were debating the differences between '80s and '90s fashion. Apparently there's going to be a '90s hip hop show on campus? Wow. It truly is a different era. I hope they learn how to shoop properly.

I really love tea. It's becoming a thing. Hm. 

I just want to take this moment to say how very amazed I am at the fact that some people have other crazy people that adore them. I'm saying this partially out of sheer self-pity, I think.. nah, that's a lie, I couldn't care less, never mind. 

Some people are so darn lucky that other people adore them. 

I know these people that are in what polite society calls a "relationship." I hear a fair amount of chatter about these things. In my book it's all quite mythical, but people assure me that these things are actually real! Anyways... I'm throwing in the towel. 

Remember: Forgiveness, me. Forgiveness. 

How does one learn to drop bad habits? I wanna drop mine like a heavy glass plate with one big satisfying SMASH. :D whee! I feel completely devoid of any shred of motivation. What on earth is wrong with me?

It's all come down to this.

Tonight I went out to dinner with my roommates and their two friends. Despite it being a minor fiasco for reasons that are entirely unrelated to the following observations, I feel that I learned a few things this evening (which has now become, as they say, 'last night').

My roommate's blind. She has what I'd label a "common" disability: a socially-recognized personal difference that is easily identified and understood. When she goes out, people take one look at her and instantly recognize her disability. We're taught about her particular disability in school, so people don't usually jump to conclusions about the origin of her issues. This level of visibility doesn't necessarily make her life any easier; it just is what it is.

Not to toot my own horn, ('cause you just know how many points having a weird-ass disability gets you) but I would categorize my disability as preeeeeeetty "uncommon." When I'm out in public, people often don't know how to react. Life is interesting. This is true of anybody that lives "on the fringe," though, so it's not like I'm the only freak out on a limb, here.

We went to a Mexican restaurant. Near the end of the meal, the waiter brought our checks. When he needed to hand my roommate hers, he held it just short of her grasp and kind of started waving it around.  I heard her say to my other roommate, "I think that's a zero." The other laughed and asked her why. "He didn't even hand me my check!" Someone else at the table blurted out, "I bet he'll come over and ask someone else if you've finished your food!" Apparently, giving a server a 'zero' is their coded rating system: it means they don't get much of a tip. They started making fun of him (thankfully they were kind of quiet about it) as we were sitting at the table. Ten minutes later, the server did exactly what they predicted. 

Things have changed a *lot* for people with disabilities since I was a kid. A LOT. There's an observable difference in social understanding and acceptance of individuality between people that grew up thirty or forty years ago and people with a somewhat-recent education (in most cases--not everyone can be saved~). I guess this encounter really made me question my "approach" towards managing encounters with strangers. Should I feel more "entitled" to equality, like my roommate obviously does? Is that the difference between growing up in the mid-'80s and mid-'90s? I very rarely expect to be treated like a functioning adult right off the bat. Is that my own personal flaw or a conditioned emotional response? Is it time to reevaluate the society in which I, a mere bean, live? 

THESIS TIME. GO. 

That slow cooling-down process has started out here in Ohio. A few weeks ago I had to break out the warm blanket! It's still getting up into the 80s during the day, but I can already see the days getting shorter and the nights colder. This morning I heard a flock of geese flying over the apartment. Good morning, world!

It's official: Barring some unforeseen blip, I'll be graduating December 17, 2011. I can't believe it. Ten years all comes down to this last semester. Unbelievable~

That being said, I guess I should take advantage of these quiet morning hours. Time to study!

The past three weeks have been some of the most stressful and emotionally complex weeks of my life, I think. I don't know why.. but things seem to have changed within me somehow. I really don't want to be the same person I've been up until now, especially with regards to my work ethic. It's time to start taking charge rather than waiting until the schedule gets crammed to freak out about how much needs to be done. Proactive Shelby, go! Worn out, lame Shelby--hang back here, eat a cookie, get distracted and fall down a cliff, please. 

I wrote four papers in a week. I dealt with lots of strange parent-related drama that I really should've probably worked through about ten years ago. I tried to help a friend through the death of their sister. A lot of people seem to really be having a hard time stumbling through life right now; I really hope everyone can find the strength to hang on and get their stuff in line. Life is amazing, but tiring! I hope things start clearing up soon. I'm so very tired!

Back to school on Monday! I can't believe it. Just one more year! I'm so excited~ Going to pick up all my books tomorrow. I'm happy to be back in the apartment in BG. Gosh, that kinda feels weird to say...

 Dear Fukuzawa-san,

You are the original bad-ass. You're funny. You also seem like you were kind of a dick. 

This has been fun. I hope you're in.. wherever you went.. smashing people's religious ornaments. 

Thanks,

Me

It was so beautiful right around noon today! It's been really hot around here as of late, so to finally get a day that doesn't feel like someone's underpants is really nice. I guess the weather didn't want to give us too much of a reprieve, though, because by 2 PM it was hot enough that a tiny fire broke out downtown. My roommate and I were walking back to the apartment, and we saw two bank employees putting out a fire that had been started by a cigarette someone had tossed. As we got further away, we saw a fire truck heading down our street towards the bank--guess it must've gotten a little too out of hand! Oops! Hot times in Bowling Green~

( Blah blah blah )

Welcome to a written record of what a few hours is like inside Shelby's head. You'll be bored out of your mind in no time! Ironically, this is the stuff I choose to write down.. I obviously feel that it'll be most important to reflect upon my little idiosyncratic ticks in ten years. Shrug.

When I took a look at my skin in the mirror this afternoon, bathed in the gross fluorescence of the library bathroom lighting, I was already angry at the Universe. I should've known that I wouldn't be happy with what I saw. Full disclosure: I've been washing my face with hand soap for the last three months. A lot of people will tell you that's not a great idea. It's really not. Hand soap doesn't keep your face looking too hot. It does *nothing* for the pores. I definitely looked like I'd been washing my face with hand soap.

Since nothing good could come of the rest of the day, I decided to run down to the store to get a soap-like product that had the word "face" on it somewhere. As I ran, I thought, 'I should get a brand that I've never heard of before.' It's fun throwing decisions to the wind! Also, I've tried most kinds of face wash that can be purchased at a typical store--they're all kinda disappointing. Neutrogena disappointed me the most, honestly; I really thought that'd be a good brand! I have sucky skin, though, so the face wash can only be held responsible for so much of the mess.

Anyways, I spend about twenty minutes pacing up and down the "skin care" aisle. All the boxes are so shiny and alluring! Some of the containers come with handy pumps, but I decide that I feel too guilty about throwing away so much plastic. (Note: Look for a refillable "skin care" product. Refillable doesn't generally equal 'classy,' though.) I use Garnier Fructis for my hair... should I use that for the skin, too? Brand loyalty? Meh.. the tube informs me that their cleanser is merely step one of three. After 'cleansing,' you then need to 'treat' (do what now?) and 'moisturize.' These multi-step regimens turn each shelf of brand-grouped product into a skin care army, and that army will hopefully be allowed to barrage its way into my bathroom cabinet. Yeah, that's not gonna happen. (I think I sound a little crazy right now. Sorry.)

I look on one of the lower shelves. There's a single row of friendly-looking mint green tubes just sitting there all by themselves. The tube says 'Basis' but I keep registering it as 'Basic,' and I like that because it implies simplicity. The tube isn't asking me to buy anything else, and I like mint. It's main ingredient is water? ...I briefly consider going home and sticking with the hand soap. But no! You have to wash your face with face soap! This might work.

Now my skin is soft-ish again. We'll see how this goes.

I put the ol' Zune (it's a long story) on shuffle this morning and found myself listening to Queen's "A Night at the Opera" for the first time in years! I really love that album--I wonder if there ever were actual plans to weave a story from the songs and make it into an opera/musical? I was thinking, like.. someone reading a biography about Henry Ford and falling in love with him. Sweet.

I had the most surreal experience as I was walking to the school this morning. I wanted to mail Marilyn's birthday present at the post office, which is on BG's main street. I passed by this clunky old stone building that reminded me of the Carol Baldwin Hall in Savage, package in klaw just as it would've been on all those trips to the post office back home, and all of a sudden I was back in Savage, MD. I flipped out for a few seconds 'cause it kind of felt like getting a concussion.. like reality was wiped out for a few seconds and replaced with "home." I decided to accept what was happening and let one world melt into the other, and it made me really happy for a little while. It was so, so weird.. and then it hit me how similar BG is to Savage. For a few seconds the houses and buildings *were* Savage. I really wanted to cry. Stupid memories.

Today I went to talk with my professor about the papers I'm working on. I think I could talk with him all day. Whenever I meet with him, I think of my Dad--he makes me wish that my parents would've gone to college.

I'm hearing creepy laughter outside my door. I'm very worried. o.O